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A Review: Avengers: Age of Ultron

This movie rocked!

The end.

cut!

Alright, alright!

I probably won’t say anything other, less rambly, reviews haven’t, but I’m going to say them anyway because I utterly failed to do any kind of review for Kingsman (which is amazing and you should totally try to go see it in a dollar theater or something) and who knows when I’ll actually get around to seeing another movie? (Ok, let’s be honest, I’m going to Ant-Man, no matter how weird it looks)

You know the drill SPOILERS AFTER THIS POINT, CLICK OUT OF THE WINDOW AND CHOKE AN EWOK IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW

Right, now that’s out of the way: Age of Ultron.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to this movie with as much anticipation as many geeks and nerds were.

shrug

The Marvel-verse hasn’t endeared itself to me lately. I’m honestly not sure why. The movies are still solid, the characters still as likable as they can get, and they have a Doc Strange movie announced for 2016 (I think?), who’s probably one of my all-time favorite Marvel Heroes. AND THEY’D PROBABLY HAVE A NIGHTCRAWLER MOVIE IS 20th CENTURY WOULD SEE BACK X-MEN!

*ahem*

But I digress, as I’m wont to do.

So, Age of Ultron then. I must admit that the premise is the first little stumbling block for me on this one. Tony Stark uses Loki’s Scepter to design an ultra-advanced computer to bring about world peace that goes rogue and decides to end all life because . . . . . . reasons

it was very unclear sokka

Normally, I can do a lot of suspension of disbelief so hard, but I feel they couldn’t quite figure out a way to get Ultron into the picture. They do some weird hallucination because of the Scarlet Witch that makes Tony feel like he needs to create Ultron to keep his friends from dying, but he doesn’t bother rethinking the project after they learn that the Scarlet Witch can control minds. It didn’t really make sense. But I know I shouldn’t let too much story get in the way of blowing things up. After all, I gave Godzilla second place in my top ten movies.

godzilla atv jump

So they do that thing where they think they’ve failed but the minute they walk away, Ultron comes online and proceeds to try to murder J.A.R.V.I.S. and then the rest of the Avengers after uploading himself to the internet. Curse you internet! You make everything so gosh darn convenient, even for killer computers!

It’s a moot point, though, because James Fuckmothering Spader voices (and I assume mo caps) Ultron. I didn’t even hear half his lines, I just heard James Spaders deliciously delicious voice.

So, whatever Ultron’s motivational flaws are, I could forgive them as long as he kept talking.

And then the Avengers run away.

To Hawkeye’s house.

With his family.

don't really care harry

Yeah, that kind of came out of left field and they spent so much time characterizing them that I figured either Hawkeye would die or his family would. Or something tragic. I mean, this is the Marvel-verse and they don’t really tend to do that kind of thing, but there was just a suspicious amount of characterization. I guess it was really to make up for the lack of characterization of Hawkeye in the previous movies, but I really just don’t care. And it didn’t really serve the plot in much of any way except one little bit at the end that fills my mouth with excess swear words.

i feel like i'm in jail

And then Fury shows up. Yay? Meh. He’s important later, but his Captain Haddock sweater was not as cool as his Neo trenchcoat later.

Oh, yeah, and then there’s the subplot with Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch helping Ultron for poorly justified reasons other than they hate Tony Stark, who Ultron also hates. So that’s a thing until Scarlet Witch reads Ultron’s mind in the body he’s creating with the magical stone of whatever the hell they called it (you know, those stones they gave a backstory to in Guardians of the Galaxy?) and realizes he wants to destroy the world so humans or life or whatever can evolve like after the dinosaurs and . . . . stuff . . .

Yeah, it doesn’t make sense, but they kind of point that out, so I’ll let it slide.

So they go to help the Avengers instead.

And then there’s the romance between Bruce Banner and Natasha, which I never got from the other movie and probably should have gotten more build up, but eh, whatever.

whatever jafar

So after some stuff I don’t remember, they all head to this random city in Eastern Europe where Ultron is building his doomsday device. The city was where the movie started and is connected to Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, so I guess it’s as good as any place to build a doomsday device in, under a doom fortress. And you can only destroy America so much before it gets boring, right? But Ultron is planning on raising the city to meteor height and wiping out the world with it using soft science!

hades glance

So we get to the big, climactic fight, which, admittedly, is pretty friggin’ awesome. I love those big, climactic fights. It’s what I’m there for, not the existential questions that manage to ooze from Ultron in moments of not punching. I know there’s a need for a plot (marginally), but I didn’t like Blade Runner or iRobot for all the “What is man, a miserable pile of secrets” stuff and I don’t care for it in my comic book movies either.

waiting

So there’s that. And then there’s the Vision, which is J.A.R.V.I.S. implanted in the body Ultron was building and he’s a thing now. He didn’t do much other than be British and zap Ultron’s last form at the end of the day after more existential stuff.

And now, we get to my least favorite part of the movie: Quicksilver’s death. Yeah, I saw it coming, sort of (it was him or Hawkeye), but it was so token, so glossed over (for the most part), and so blasé, that I’m still mad about it. And it was all over some idiot child. Because it’s always over some idiot child. I hate children in films for this reason. They always manage to be the most useless little cretins that cause some character’s death. There will be kids in Jurassic World too and I already hate them for the inevitability of them having to be saved.

freak out hades

And at the end of the day, Ultron is defeated, Thanos gets another tease on whatever the hell he’s been doing for the last four movies, and the Avengers get a few new members for the next movie.

So that’s Age of Ultron. Despite my whining and the huge chunks of movie I don’t remember, it was still a Marvel movie, which means it’s still good (except the Thor movies), so if you haven’t already, go check it out now that you know vaguely what happens. If you have seen it, what are you even doing here? You know what happens!