Alright, I’ll admit it, this movie was significantly less disappointing than the second one. I’m still not really into this movie series as I might have been with only two movies, but, eh.

good as its going to get

I’m not going to warn about spoilers at this point, because if you haven’t read the book and know how everything is basically going to be, then I have no respect for you and don’t care about spoiling a 75 year old plot.

The movie starts where the last one left off. Make sense. Smaug is going around burning up everything and everyone would really rather he didn’t. Bard is in prison because Peter Jackson said so and his family is trying to escape along with the four dwarves left behind and useless elf chick whose name I haven’t bothered to remember.

Stuff happens and in the end, Bard slays the dragon. We get a few more awesome lines from Cumberbatch and then BAM, gone. I knew it was coming, but I also knew this was basically a three hour movie and my hopes of it not being two hours of fighting died with the dragon.

i feel like i'm in jail

Now, I really tried to go into this movie with a good attitude. I want to give every movie the chance to suddenly get up and smack me in the face with something good. And I’ll be damned it if didn’t kind of do that. The fighting was actually pretty fun, when it finally started, and somehow, the movie got more or less back on track with the original story. I don’t know if Peter Jackson just took a load of brown acid right before writing the second film or what, but the amount of stuff that wasn’t in the book was more than the stuff that was and it was weird. At least this third movie stuck with the actual plot of the book for the most part.

So Thorin has dragon sickness and is getting weird over the gold and everyone else is all like, “Dude, Thorin, chill out, you’re freaking us out,” but Bilbo is the one with the Arkenstone, that important thing they kept whining about at the end of the second movie. So after deciding that giving it to Thorin would be a bad idea, he sneaks out and gives it to Bard and Thranduil as a way to bargain with so they can get Thorin to actually stop being a dick and give them what they want: Gold for Bard to rebuild the town that basically Thorin and co. cause the dragon to destroy, and mithril for Thraduil.

dance kiss schmooze

Thorin says go screw yourselves and locks him and co. into the mountain, throwing Bilbo out for his treachery. It’s actually a pretty emotional scene, but I think that’s because Martin Freeman is the most believable character in the movie.

That white orc from the first movie and Peter Jackson’s imagination is still hanging around and there’s this entire chunk of the movie that talks about why and has something to do with the Necromancer and something about Gandalf and the elves and Saruman who comes in for the funniest fight scene you will ever see, and Azog is bringing an army (or two) of orcs to fight for the mountains for . . . . reasons?

don't really care harry


Yeah, okay, the exposition is not the strong suit of these movies.

Shit hits the fan when Thorin’s cousin Dain shows up to support Thorin and the elves, humans, and dwarves are about to go to war when the orcs show up and then they’re all like “SOLIDARITY!” and start fighting on, like, four different fronts and the sand worms from Dune decide to make a quick cameo for literally no reason and at this point I’m just staring at the screen going, “What is even happening in this movie anymore?”

Blah blah blah, lots of fighting, lots of moments where Jackson tries to pretend the characters that are going to live are going to die, cause he’s really banking on that whole not having read the book thing, I guess. Also, I’m pretty sure there are enough orcs and things to count this as more like the battle of seven or eight armies.

don't think

And Thorin finally gets over his prissy self and goes to lend aid, which somehow helps everybody rally for a second wind of fighting. Thorin goes to finally have his showdown with Azog on a crazy cliff thing that some random mountains goats help get him and three others up to.

And here’s where the movies really cheapens the deal for me. In the book, Fili, Kili, and Thorin’s deaths are noble. They’re dying on the battlefield defending each other and their home. And Peter Jackson took that actually touching moment and turned it into half an hour of twaddle that involves Fili dying first cause he was the only one who was blonde, Kili having a little dramatic moment with his elf lady friend before he croaks, and Thorin having the most drawn out fight since the Rocky movies.

facepalm jareth

It really took away from how the movie was supposed to end.

I will say, though, that I find Legolas to be a great part of these movies. Yeah, I know he’s not really supposed to be there, yeah I know Orlando BLoom is, like, 40, but I like him and he’s one of the few characters I actually ended up caring about in this entire trilogy, so there you go.


It was saved a little by Bilbo. When Thorin dies, Bilbo has this really heart wrenching moment where he basically breaks down because his friend is dead and at the same moment, there’s a sad things going on with Thraduil and Legolas and I was just like

my emotions

How dare this movie make me care about characters who I haven’t for two three-hour movies?!

So after that, the end was really nice and a cute sort of button to the whole series. I liked that this movie focused on Bilbo way more than the other characters, because The Hobbit should be about the hobbit, am I right? Plus, Martin Freeman makes a spectacular Bilbo and I just wish we could have seen more of this movie’s Bilbo in the last movie. The song at the end was another depressing moment because it’s called “The Last Goodbye”.


So that’s that. The Hobbit is done. The Lord of the Rings is done. And I have to say, even with all the dipshittery, it’s been a good ride. There have been genuinely enjoyable moments along with the dumb ones and the epic lives on for another generation. Although next time we want to reboot this series, I recommend doing more radio dramas. Those are really under-appreciated . . . .


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