Continuing my ongoing saga on the adventures of my roommates’ and my odd video game playing, we recently finished Pirates of the Caribbean:  Legend of Jack Sparrow.

I actually first encountered this game when my sister bought it. She loves pirates and the Pirates of the Caribbean movie (the good one) and so getting this game, which boasts being able to play as all your favorite characters and . . . . stuff. I can’t remember the box blurb, but it must have been appealing since my sister doesn’t part with her money for just anything.

Anyway, we tried playing it and I remember thinking it was pretty boring. So we stopped.

Flashfoward years later to now.

happy jeff winger community

I ran across it for two dollars at the local used game store, and naturally remembered it as being bad and had to buy it.

This motherfucker is an awkwardly short game for being so padded out.

We start vaguely after the events of the first movie, but it’s not totally based on the movie except for, like, three levels? It’s a weird game. We start in Panama of all places, with Jack and Will being sassy at each other and breaking into a fort for . . . . reasons.

i don't know gir

The controls for this game are bizarre. It’s like they were contractually obligated to use every button on the PS controller at some point, so there are all kinds of things that you have to interact with the further the game and to get upgrades on combo and special moves that you will never use. It’s not even that we didn’t try to use them, as I often do with upgrades when I’m playing on my own it’s just that they’re a) hard to use and b) freakishly inaccurate. There’s a spinning jump kick . . . . thing that almost never hits because by the time your character has launched himself in the air, the enemy has moved out of reach and there’s nothing you can do about it.

incredulous glance

I dunno. Maybe there’s some magic trick to it, but I doubt it.

So Meggie was my partner in crime with this game, once again, and she had a blast being faithful sidekick to Jack’s shenanigans. Mostly because Jack could throw things that set people on fire and the sidekicks can throw hatchets (or fish, which are basically hatchets. don’t ask). The hatchets are a lot more effective (generally) than the fire things.

shrug

So, like I said, you start in Panama, and then are captured by the Spanish. In an effort to kill time, Jack starts telling a series of random stories about adventures that vaguely had something to do with the situation . . . . .

it was very unclear sokka

So you go through a bunch of random levels like Tortuga (fighting fat pirates that can bitch slap you to oblivion), China (fighting a giant demon dragon and a bunch of terra cotta warriors on the way), Scandinavia . . . . vaguely (fighting some evil ice Vikings), Nicaragua or something (fighting a Black Beard wannabe), most of the plot of the first movie, and then finally back to Panama to escape. As we go through the levels, which are stories Jack is telling and/or making up, we get to break the fourth wall a bit by dragging the sidekicks along. It’s actually quite funny. The sidekicks are Will and Elizabeth, but both are basically the same, so whatever.

Meggie is a destructo-gamer (a term I just made up. Trademark.) and is quite funny to watch, running around smashing everything that could be smashed ever. Sure it makes the gameplay longer, but she’s all like

guitar smash

and loving every minute of it! This is why she’s very good at the LEGO games XD It didn’t really make much of a difference for this game, but man was it fun.

When playing two players, the camera basically fixes position, which is really one of the few reasons any part of the game is hard. There are times we could get stuck just because we were pinned by enemies on opposite sides of the screen and then we would die.

dead

This is a game that still holds onto the finite number of lives system, so if we ran out, we had to go aaaaall the way back to the beginning of the level!!! And some of these levels were LONG!!! Or had really hard bosses to fight that we just barely managed to get through with even one life left and then had another hard one after! Oh, and did I mention that there were five lives for the two of us to share?

zoidberg flip out

So that was a pain in the ass. There were a couple of times we had to drop out of Co-Op mode and fight the bosses with just one person to beat the level! The most memorable occasions this was a thing was in the China level, where there was this dragon thing that we just had to run away from, but could not friggin get to the end with two of us playing!! So we dropped out of Co-Op and Meggie hoofed it alone and we found out that we were literally within five steps of beating the level!! Wat!! Lol! The other instance was at literally the very end when I ended up beating the video game without Meggie!

kuzco freak

I wasn’t actually sure I was going to be the level, so it was a surprise and I do feel kinda bad about it, but she can always go back and beat it herself, right? Aheheheheh. . . . . .

So that’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Legend of Jack Sparrow. A silly game for silly people! It’s actually one that I really wouldn’t recommend, but it was funny to play at the time. We have since moved on to that Lord of the Rings game (which is disgustingly short and we’re almost done with it) and replaying the LEGO Indiana Jones game.

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