shark

And that’s pretty much what it felt like to watch The Desolation of Smaug.

Which is a bummer. I had such high hopes for this movie. I really really REALLY wanted to like this movie. I mean, the first one wasn’t bad. It stuck to the original plot okay and the characters actually had personality.  And I love The Hobbit. It’s probably my favorite book of all time. More so than The Lord of the Rings, to be perfectly honest. And I think Peter Jackson usually does an okay job.

Not so much The Desolation. You know, for a movie officially titled The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, there’s very little actual hobbit in this movie. There are so many intrusive subplots that the scenes bounce around like a frigging kangaroo on a pogo stick surrounded by jackrabbits and mexican jumping beans on trampolines. Yeah. It’s that bad.

*SPOILERS AND ALL THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU KNOW THE DRILL*

So, here’s the basic plot summary:

“Gee, I sure hope we don’t encounter any more intrusive subplots”

“Did someone say intrusive subplot?!”

“Oh son of a bitch!”

First there’s the random subplot of Asog the White Orc still hunting the company. Then there’s the subplot of Dal Guldur and some other Orcs. Then there’s the subplot about the Mirkwood Forest. Then there’s the subplot of the Necromancer (Sauron). Then there’s the subplot of Thranduil and Legolas. Then there’s the subplot of the female elf character who literally has one purpose. Then there’s the subplot of her falling in love with Kili (wat?). Then there’s the subplot of the people of Dale and Bard. Then there’s the subplot of Kili getting poisoned by an Orc arrow. Then there’s the subplot of finding the Arkenstone. And finally there’s the subplot of Bilbo actually existing in this movie.

bitch are you serious loki

No wonder this movie took two and a half hours to do nothing.

There are two things this movie did really well.

Thranduil.

Because this is a beautiful man. A beautiful, elegant, man who has amazing diction. And I could gaze at him all day. (But don’t Google him in the middle of class. Lots of NSFW O.o Oops)

me gusta

And, of course Smaug. I’m pretty sure that’s where the entire budget went for this movie, cause it certainly wasn’t in the writing department. A big part of this character is Benedict Cumberbatch. Mmmmm. Benedict Cumberbatch. His delivery is great, his voice is great, he is great. I need a dragon so that I can dragon the dragon to do more dragon. And that pretty much defines my life. Add Benedict Cumberbatch to that and I had to create a new word: Cumbergasm. It’s a word now. tumblr can thank me later.

Whoo! 8D

foaming mouth guy

My entire attitude toward most of this movie was “Yeah, yeah yeah, where’s the dragon?” I mean, the subplots were boring. I found myself being bored in a peter Jackson movie. Wha- I- HOW????

Especially with the stupid ass Kili x Elf Chick subplot (no, I’m not going to bother learning her name. She’s a useless, pointless character). I’m so glad we spent a good third of the movie trying to save his life from poison just so he can die in the next movie. Oh, oops, spoiler alert? Read the book.

not interested

And don’t give me any of that “They needed some romance and female characters to bring in the girls in.” Bitch please. I’m pretty sure women outnumber men as fans of this series at this point, and I don’t really care about bimbos who don’t read the books seeing the movies. I’m pretty sure Hollywood isn’t financially insecure enough to need these people.

not my problem toph

Honestly, for a movie that’s two and half hours long, not much happens. I’ve said literally all I need to say. I’m not going to go through the whole movie like I normally would, partly because I went to the midnight premiere, so I’m tired and it’s all a little hazy except the parts I like, and it’s so damn long and complicated that I would be here forever trying to explain the various plot points and jumping around as much as the movie does. It’s a difficultly just following it when you’re actually watching the movie, I’m not even going to attempt to do it on paper (webpage).

Despite its flaws, I recommend going to this movie. It’s really an experience that’s worth the big screen. Ok, Smaug is really an experience that’s worth the big screen. Everything comes back to Smaug. If you can sit through the rest of the subplots, plot holes, dick moves, and beautiful elf men, it’s really a treat to see the last 20 minutes of the film. Also, go with a group. It’s really the best part of the whole thing. My friends and I took an entire row by ourselves and we all chattered through the movie, because it was fun. 🙂 So, overall, I had a lot of fun, even though the movie was a subpar disappointment.

But all I want for Christmas is a movie that doesn’t leave me with the sick sense of disappointment in my chest. Is that too hard to ask? I have high hopes for next year, because:

and

Plus. WINTER OLYMPICS!!! BRING IT ON 2014!!

Edit: I saw the movie again, and I want to revise my assessment of it. It’s a decent movie when it’s not midnight and you’re tired! Please go see it! If for nothing else than the last half hour is pretty awesome. 🙂

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