It’s that time of the year, readers. The biggest release time after summer. And since I didn’t start this blog before this summer’s releases, I can’t really review those movies. I honestly can’t even rememebr what I saw this summer . . . Other than the Great and Powerful Oz, which you SHOULD NOT see unless you are DRUNK! Because then, it’ll be hilarious.
But this review is not for that movie. No! This review is about Thor 2: The Dark World, as stated above. Now, I’m probably going to go into a lot of details, so . . .
*SPOILER WARNINGS!! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE AND WISH TO WITHOUT ANY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE, STOP READING NOW!!!! I WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANYTHING YOU MAY LEARN ABOUT THE PLOT FROM THIS MOMENT ON!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!*
There. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.
If you haven’t seen the first Thor movie, don’t worry. There are only a couple references here and there, with more for the Avengers movie. The first Thor movie is a pieces of shit and really not worth seeing anyway, but if you haven’t seen the Avengers yet, shame on you!
So the movie starts with a backstory, because, let’s face it, none of these villains are even remotely related to anything we’ve ever seen or will ever see again at this point. The story is of the Dark Elves and their attempt at a hostile takeover of the Universe.
Yeah, bet you didn’t see that coming . . . Anyway, they have this super powered thing called the Aether, but it can only be used at the right point when the 9 Worlds align, which is every 5000 years, and where the story starts, with Asgard still standing
uselessly relatively strong against the Dark Elves. Odin’s father was king then, but that’s not that important, really. I guess they put that in ’cause Odin was the focus of the last big war in the first movie or whatever. I stopped listening after the first three minutes.
Blah blah blah, the Elves were defeated, blah blah blah, a few get away, including their leader, Malakith (or whatever), played by Christopher Eccleson, who lends an amazing amount of depth to the character just with his rich voice. (As you might come to see, I’m a sucker for voices, especially deep ones. Sometimes, a voice can make or break a character for me. This will probably come up again later *coughHobbitcough*
So, fastforward 5000 years, and we’re back where we ended the Avengers.
Thor 2 starts with Loki. Yeah, that makes sense. But still, those of us who really only went to see more of Loki, it was like
Especially because he’s like this:
Which is pretty hot. And that’s pretty much the response to every time he gets on screen. Because really, Thor is . . . well, he’s the good guy. And that’s fine, but . . . boring. He’s a better character than he was in the first movie, but ehhh, I just didn’t care. He kept being all sad and shit and pining after Jane whatsherface
can’t be bothered to really care and that sort of took away from the atmosphere, to be honest.
And that brings us back to Earth. To England. Cause I guess they got bored of destroying New York. That’s literally the only reason they set it in London. And Jane whatsherface (Natalie Portman) is moping cause Thor doesn’t call. Bitch, move on. If he were a human, you’d be over him yesterday.
And that’s the main problem with Thor 2. As my sister has observed, the Thor movies are the equivalent of a superhero chick flick. Too much emphasis is put on the romance between Thor and Natalie Portman and not enough of the rest. It’s not that Natalie Portman is even a bad actress. Her character is just so underwritten and bland. There are tons of other things to focus on in this movie, like the villain, Loki, any number of the side characters, and most of it is pushed aside so Thor and Natalie Portman can have a romance.
Look, I’m not even that much of a feminist when it comes to pop culture. I’m not against romance. I’m against it interfering with my action movies. Especially when I don’t have any emotional investment in the relationship. I could really have cared less if Jane had been killed in a rhinoceros attack or been absorbed by amoeba. Actually, either of those options would have been hilarious and probably would have added more to the plot than what actually ends up happening.
Actually, before I can talk about that, I should address some of the better scenes in the movie. There are some legitimate feels going on between Loki and Frigga, his mother, who is pretty much the only one who cares about him anymore. She gets him furniture for his cell in the dungeon and some books to read. He’s a little shit about it, but that’s to set up some more feels for later.
And then we get to the best set of characters from Asgard, Lady Sif and the Warriors Three. For those of you who have seen the first movie, they were in there. They were the group that Thor and Loki took with them to Jotunheim in the first bit of the movie. They’re pretty much the most awesome characters. They have a pretty good chemistry, and they’re a riot on the rare occasions they actually get screen time. I actually have more of an emotional investment in these characters than in the main characters (as long as Loki doesn’t count as a main character). Also, I’m pretty sure they get some of the best lines other than Loki. What’s best is that they’re loyal to Thor, but not really following him blindly (much) and they all seem to be pretty smart, even the readheaded one.
So, they’re great. They have a slightly bigger role in this movie than in the last, but not enough 😦 Seriously, Thor’s love interest should be Sif, not Jane. Sif can fight, is pretty unflappable, and will live a lot longer than Jane. Whatever. If Thor is so fixated on Jane, then Sif and Loki should get together. But that’s another story . . .
Ok, so, Jane is investigating this weird “scientific” . . . thing (which they explain by slapping on the word quantum and then spouting gibberish) at some abandoned warehouse or something and she gets sucked into a vague portal thing brought about by the nine worlds aligning and finding the Aether, which the Asgardians had locked away in a . . . place.
Great exposition guys. And in this place, she finds a big glowing rock. A big glowing rock with red light.
And this brings me to “Stupid Bitch Moment #1”. If you see a rock that is glowing and in a dark, deserted place that is obviously not a place you were supposed to be in, why would you try to touch the glow? Answer me that. Please. Someone tell me why you would do that? Who honestly thinks that it’s a good idea to touch anything they don’t know? Especially in this Universe, in which it has been established that scientists can turn into indestructible green rage monsters, men can be turned into super soldiers and frozen for 70 years with no adverse complications, agents can be killed and brought back easily, agents can be mind controlled, other planets and species exist, and portals to other dimensions and worlds can be easily opened. So, I’m just saying, Jane Idiotface should have known better than to touch this glowing red mass.
But she does and guess what? She absorbs it and, like, falls into a random coma in an undefined place.
Which brings us back to Thor, who
stalks her makes sure she’s safe through Heimdall, the gatekeeper (who is among the infinitely more interesting side characters in this movie). Heimdall loses track of her for a few hours and Thor kind of flips his shit.
Meanwhile (yeah, the scenes jump about as much as I do), Malakith Eccelson is awakened from the vague sleep that he and his crew were in because the Aether was activated or whatever. And they set off to get it.
Back in England, Jane wakes up, finding that her intern Darcy, and Darcy’s intern Ian, have called the police because they couldn’t find her because she’s been gone for five hours. Those two are the only likable human characters, and are pretty much just the silly foils to Jane Seriousface. And the Thor shows up and they have a touchy feeling reunion and the police want to arrest Jane, but she zaps them with her magical Aether . . . stuff and they freak out. So Thor takes her to Asgard, leaving her interns to get arrested by the police for trespassing, I guess.
In Asgard, Odin gets all pissed because Jane really shouldn’t be there, though he never specifies why, other than she’s human, which is kind of weird, but whatever. But then she does the Aether thing again and he’s like “Oh, nevermind.” And they spend some time doing the awkward meet the parents thing and “character development”, which is basically just making eyes at each other and getting stared down by Sif.
Because seriously Thor, that’s the best you can do?? *ahem* I digress.
The Dark Elf ship fleet enters Asgard because of the world alignment subplot and Heimdall’s all like, “Oh shit!” and he tried to stop it, thinking it’s only one ship because they have crazy good cloaking systems. He takes one down, but there are dozens more, plus a guy of the inside that I forgot to talk about.
This guy is a Kursed, which basically just means he’s an unstoppable killing machine. He breaks out of prison, where he had been put on purpose, the Asgardians not knowing that he was a Dark Elf because of the
Daedric special armor he was wearing to conceal his identity. And since the Asgard prison has magical walls, they let the prisoners keep their armor *shrug*. He goes to the shield chamber, which lets Malakith Eccelson into the Throne room, where he makes for the royal chambers.
Which brings me the other awesome side character, Frigga. Not only did she convince Odin not to kill Loki (which would have been a dick move, considering how often he stated that he still saw Loki as a son in the last movie), but she’s also a boss at fighting! She’s only defeated because Malakith Eccelson cheated and had his Kursed thing to help him out. And pretty much as soon as the fight started, it was like “Oh, maaaan!! She’s so going to die! She’s the Coulson for this movie! Dammit! She was so cool!” And like fucking clockwork, she goes down and the Dark Elves escape.
Now, at this point, there’s a bunch of muted slow motion action that accompanies this kind of moment. Again, I had no emotional investment in these characters, so most of their reactions were just sort of overly dramatic and whatever. But then someone goes and tells Loki. Tom Hiddleston is an amazing actor, really. He can convey so much in the subtleties in his face and eyes. And when he’s reaction to his mother’s death, it’s like
I can’t even describe it in words or with a gif. You just have to watch the movie to understand. It’s the most heartbreaking part of the movie, really. Well. Mostly. But that’s later.
So, yeah, that was sad, but it passes pretty quickly, and since the main focus is the characters who don’t really emote all that well slash I don’t really care about, those feels get squashed pretty quickly.
After that, Thor and the Warriors Three and Lady Sif break Jane and Loki out of jail and head to the Dark World, which is a fancy world for the decimated Dark Elf world, to draw Malakith Eccelson out to destroy him and the Aether when he draws it out of Jane. Yeah . . . Cause they’re pretty sure it won’t harm her in the process. Yeah . . . . Oh, and did I mention that Malakith Eccelson is still bent on destorying the world and reverting it back to the darkness that the Dark Elves once ruled, in the beforetime that wasn’t explained very well.
And one of the hottest images comes from the aftermath of that.
This is kind of a crappy view, but, and this is going to be a “don’t judge me” moment, but damn! boy! His legs are so hot! They’re all thin and that costume is just so . . . *swoon* I can’t help it. Lithe dudes, man. I’ll say it now and I’ll undoubtedly say it again during some other review. HOT!
Well, anyway, the plan ends up being a monumental flop anyway, cause the Kursed dude is still going strong and the Aether can’t actually be destroyed, which was told to us, but I’m pretty sure no one bothered telling Thor that. So Malakith Eccelson gets away, leaving the Kursed to deal with Thor. The Kursed dude hands Thor’s ass to him while Loki takes out, like, 6 guys with a dinky dagger. Cause Loki has technique. Thor just sort of whacks things until they stop moving, which doesn’t work for the Kursed.
*HUGE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!! HUGE!!!!*
Emotional moment #2. Loki comes to help Thor, stabbing the Kursed dude through the chest, and before he can get away, the Kursed kind of chest butts him with the sword, stabbing him.
I mean, I knew that he couldn’t die die, but damn bitch! What an emotional moment! Especially when Thor starts talking to him and saying stuff like “You will have died with honor”
thanks Zuko and “I will tell father what you did”
And when Loki replied “I didn’t do it for him” it was like
Ugh, but again, this sad moment was interrupted by . . . something. I honestly don’t remember what happened after that. Oh! Yeah. Jane and Thor go to a cave and wonder how they’re going to stop Malakith Ecceslon and then the plot convenient deus ex machina moment occurred and they were able to get back to Earth through the portal Jane and her interns were investigating at the start of the movie. Yeah, you knew it was going to come back to something like that. Eh, whatever. They really didn’t have anything better, since Loki was the one who got them to the Dark World and they were freakishly stuck without him.
Alright, so we’re entering the last third or so of the movie, leading up to the big showdown, and we’re back in London. And they’re talking about finding the “best” spot for Malakith Eccelson to do his Universe destroying. My initial response was “Well, what’s the biggest landmark we could destroy?” but I think that’s becoming frowned upon after 9/11, so they just sort of like to wreak havoc on the greater London area, based in Greenwich.
Blah blah blah, fights ensue. They have some odd dimensional jumping here and there and Jane and co were doing some sort of scientific . . . thing (again, they just slapped “quantum” on there and hope we don’t think about it too hard). In the end, Thor does the sacrificy thing and all that jazz, but Malakith Eccelson is defeated and the world is saved. Again. Or whatever. As far as final battles go, it was pretty good when they weren’t focusing on the humans too much. The interns get to have some pretty funny dimension jumping and romance moments, but that’s about it. There are actually a lot better fight scenes during the rest of the movie. The movie is totally worth checking out just for the fights, battles, and visual effects.
And, of course, there’s the always popular game, “FIND STAN LEE” in every Marvel movie. This one was pretty obvious. He’s in a mental hospital where that astrophysicist guy from the Avengers was giving a crazed lecture. He took Stan Lee’s shoe. God bless you Stan Lee. You make stupid scenes awesome!
So that’s my review of Thor 2: The Dark World. I’m sorry I didn’t try to explain the plot better, but to be honest, I actually can’t recall a good chunk of it.
It wasn’t really that coherent. It wasn’t as bad as the first Thor movie, but so far, the Thor movies are just slightly subpar of the other Marvel movies. Despite all my criticisms, I do recommend going, if you’re interested. There are plenty of sassy moments from Loki, some great one liners from the side characters, and watching Chris Hemsworth dash around sleeveless is always a treat. 😉 Plus, if you’re like me, there is the Loki stabbing scene fights and visual effects to look forward to. Those are a real treat, I’m not kidding. Also, Malakith Eccelson, while mostly devoid of personality, is a really cool villain. Like, honestly, it’s probably just how he delivers his lines, but it’s so cool! His design was cool, his costume was cool, his hair was cool, and his voice was cool. I could probably watch his scenes more than Thor’s scenes. The Dark Elves actually speak in their own language for most of the movie. No idea what it is, or if it’s a real, canon “Dark Elf language”, but man does it sound cool. Just, seriously, go check the movie out. You won’t regret it.
And, of course there’s the chance of seeing The Hobbit preview before the movie 😉
And that review, readers, will be coming . . .